To Wendy

25 Jul 2011

When I look back at our time together it is mostly with fondness, but it isn't without regret. I know that, as the song goes, this is all water and bridges now. I know that this is all common relationship stuff. I'm not asking for you to forgive me, because I know you already have. However, regardless of how unnecessary it is, I owe you an apology and I know that through the tears, writing this will be a good thing. Also, I'm not trying to fall on my sword. I sincerely do not want you to defend me from my self deprecation. If I say I was a jerk, don't say I wasn't.

I guess the best place to start is with the most mundane. I say mundane because I can't think of anything more common. I rarely appreciated you and everything you did. There were periods when I didn't notice. There were others when I did. I don't know which is worse. I've often wondered what's worse, not knowing that something is wrong and doing it, or doing it knowing that it's wrong. I don't think the answer is as obvious a most people think. Either way, it was unforgivable.

I loved that you could play Warcraft with me and actually get excited about watching back-to-back-to-back episodes of Stargate. Or that you even wanted to re-watch all the Babylon 5 series again the last couple months that we had together (and I would have, but the first and last seasons were so painfully bad). You're such a geek.

I want to say thank you for everything you did, for who you are, and for what you showed me. I can't even begin to remember all the things, big and small, that you did that went unthanked. I know you're probably thinking that I too went unappreciated sometimes. But if we are being honest, we both know I was far worse than you ever were. I hope you never put up with that again. I wish you hadn't with me.

The frightening thing for me is that I think that I'd do it again. It's such an easy pattern to fall into. I don't want to make excuses for my behavior, because it is *my* behavior, but it seems so common I keep thinking it's natural. It's an unpleasant feeling to look back and see how poorly you treated someone you loved and then know, with little doubt, that it's a mistake you'll repeat. There are so many ways to mess up and we're so lazy; hindsight is not 20/20.

I'm sorry I wasn't more supportive. I'm an ass, it's a part of who I am, and I know it can actually be endearing. However, in the long run, I and people around me end up losers because of it. Why didn't I help you learn french? Why wasn't I more supportive with your crafting. I light-heartedly called your "craft-room" a "crap-room". I know you always took it light-heartedly, but now it's actually one of the things I regret the most. Seriously, how much of an ass can you be to call something someone close to you cares about "crap".

It wasn't until almost a year later that I suggested you blog about what you create and share pictures and instructions with people. Why didn't I do that back then? It seems like such a silly and selfish oversight now. Why is it so easy for you to be so supportive, yet so hard for me to even recognize the opportunity to support?

I'm sorry that I took so many years away from you. We're both responsible for that, but you ended up risking so much more. I know they weren't wasted years, and despite what I've written here, that the good outweighed the bad, but time only moves in one direction. I hope you get everything you want.

I'm sorry for how things ended. I'm glad we were able to break up so amicably and stay friends through it all. The last couple months I was so cold, so distant. It was easier for me. But I knew it wasn't what you wanted and I knew it wasn't making it easier for you. Then I was gone, half way around the world. You had to take care of closing the house, and dealing with everything else. Even today I tell myself I did what I thought was best for me professionally. What a horrible attitude though. What's a job when you're going through what we were going through? I should have stayed and taken on my half of the burden. At least here I feel that I learned the lesson.

I hope you find happiness and someone to share it with. I'm sorry it wasn't us, and I'm sorry it took us so long to figure that out. I'm sorry for the things that went unsaid and undone. You'll always mean something special to me, and I know I'll mean something special to you. I'm comforted in knowing that when one of us finds love, the other will feel sincere happiness.

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